I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Q... - Steven Wright

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

"If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you."