I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Q... - Steven Wright

"You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor."

"In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."