I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Q... - Steven Wright

"Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?"

"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things."