I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Q... - Steven Wright

"You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor."

"What's another word for thesaurus?"

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?"

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."