I type on my keyboard like I’m Beethoven on the piano. My wo... - Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"The love of my life has made me the happiest man ever. This ever-smiling man/mannequin is so happy because he’s got no brain, and in this way is identical to anyone who still rah-rahs for either a Republican or a Democrat."

"I wrote you a love letter, and I sent it snail mail. Love is forever, and that’s about how long it’ll take to get to you."

"I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are."

"Though my skull is the size of a soup bowl, everything in the universe—and more—can fit inside my imagination. And guess what? My imagination tastes like chicken noodle soup."

"I need to be gentler, I said definitively to myself, as I clenched my fist and shook it in the air. Love takes flight like two powerful wings, but hits like a collection of feathers."