I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she c... - Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial."

"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."

"To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle."

"I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob."

"I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q."