I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which... - Jarod Kintz, I Want

"I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I'm going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable."

"I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals."

"I want to be a cowboy, but only long enough to barge into a saloon and bellow, "Who's the yellowbelly that stole my happy trail?"

"I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married."

"I want to write a poem about "Truth,""Honor,""Dignity,"and whether the toilet paper should roll over or under when you pull on it."