Jarod Kintz, I Want

"I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their high levels of potassium."

"I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It’ll be a great conversation starter."

"I want to be a cowboy, but only long enough to barge into a saloon and bellow, "Who's the yellowbelly that stole my happy trail?"

"I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral."

"I want to write a book about shoes that’s full of footnotes."

"I want to write a book called, "Bonfires and Bras,"which follows around a young, braless feminist who struggles to adopt in air conditioned rooms, as her hardened nipples cause her excess embarrassment."

"I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables."

"I like to spoon after I fork."

"I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it."

"I want to write a poem about "Truth,""Honor,""Dignity,"and whether the toilet paper should roll over or under when you pull on it."

"I want to end global hunger by feeding half the world’s starving people to the other half."

"I want to create a seventeen-syllable word that encompasses the human condition, and then use that word to form the world’s most perfect haiku."

"I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral."

"I want to write a book so long that it will take the average person their whole life to read. It will be exactly the same length as the Bible."

"I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it."

"I like to spoon after I fork."

"I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables."

"I want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave."

"I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals."

"I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair."