More quotes by Jarod Kintz, I Want

"I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair."
"I want to write a book so long that it will take the average person their whole life to read. It will be exactly the same length as the Bible."
"I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it."
"I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their high levels of potassium."
"I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals."