I want to write a book so long that it will take the average... - Jarod Kintz, I Want

"I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals."

"I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair."

"I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I'm going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable."

"I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral."

"I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that "new car smell"all the time."