More quotes by Jarod Kintz, I Want

"I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals."
"I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it."
"I want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave."
"I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It’ll be a great conversation starter."
"I like to spoon after I fork."