"I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover."
"The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to pour all over you."
"A coffin would make a great suitcase. If I folded it neatly, I’ll bet I could pack in all my love for you."
"My nickname isn’t Scarface—it’s Scarf Ace. I make knitted neck warmers like I make love—one grandmother at a time."
"Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be stairs."
"Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?"