"Love is like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. But there’s no need to be frightened, because that plane is still on the ground."
"I’ve got a way with love. Away with love."
"I blew the love trumpet until my cheeks were blue. Then I paid 34 bucks for a taxicab ride home so I could admire my receding hairline in the mirror."
"Asking me if I’m in love is like asking a mortician if now is the best time to die."
"Love has a certain weightlessness to it, much as my meaty penis would on the moon."
"Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?"