"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."
"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."
"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."
"My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun."
"If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them."
"I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy."