"If I found 20 dollars on the ground, I’d be willing to bet I’d find someone in desperate need of money that I could give it to. And I’d bet 20 dollars, so even after finding and giving away 20 dollars, I’d have made 20 dollars."
"I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin."
"I wrote a thesis on love, and I wrote it in lipstick. Of course, I also got blood on the paper, because the lipstick was still attached to her cheating lips."
"The wind is my favorite color. It reminds me of the love she painted on my life as she blew past me."
"She moves through my memory the way the gentle river waves turn the setting sun's rays into a nostalgic light show."
"My ex-girlfriend was exquisite, while my current girlfriend is merely quisite. The ex always makes the past seem more excellent than the present."