"I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes."
"If writers write, then rangers range. And I’d like to wake up every morning and be a mother, so I could eat my own clothes."
"I’ve always felt that the best place to hide a body is in the trunk of a cop car, with a note affixed to the body that reads, “I’m sorry."
"I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, "Wait until we're finished eating."
"There Are Two Typos Of People In This World: Those Who Can Edit And Those Who Can’t"
"I want to protect innocent people from sin by locking them in cages, where the evil can't get to them."