"I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, "Family Size,"and I thought, That's odd, I didn't know too many families showered together."
"There Are Two Typos Of People In This World: Those Who Can Edit And Those Who Can’t"
"The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago."
"A lot of people go searching for “Truth.” But they can’t be searching too hard, because very few of them ever think to look under my bed."
"I have a real problem keeping friends. I'm always running out of space in my freezer."
"My close friends are fond of telling me that I put the “yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person."