"I have a real problem keeping friends. I'm always running out of space in my freezer."
"I’ve always felt that the best place to hide a body is in the trunk of a cop car, with a note affixed to the body that reads, “I’m sorry."
"If writers write, then rangers range. And I’d like to wake up every morning and be a mother, so I could eat my own clothes."
"A lot of people go searching for “Truth.” But they can’t be searching too hard, because very few of them ever think to look under my bed."
"Moral codes are like the ocean. Some people live by them, while others, such as myself, would rather live by a lake."
"The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago."