More quotes by Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Both of the items were used in an attempted murder, but hers was a dagger, and mine was a baby’s rubber bottle nipple. That was the last time I took a stab at love."
"I’m just going to keep plugging away until I find success—or an electrical socket that works. This is the secret to gaining worldly power."
"A kangaroo would jump better if instead of legs, it had a trampoline under its torso. And there would be no depression, because it would bounce right back."
"Unreturned love is like trying to make a sandwich with one slice of bread. Don’t stress—fold it in half and love yourself."
"Microwavable ice cream is the future. Don’t wait for love to melt all over your crotch. Scoop some Ice Cream Soup today."