I used to sell hellos by the wave until I found out Dark Jar... - Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"We had a whirlwind romance. That’s what happens when you date a tornado. Hold on, I have to stop tweeting for a bit because Kansas keeps calling."

"I make love like I make coffins—with my bare hands, alone in my garage. On sale through Thursday—Buy One Funeral, Get A Second One Free!"

"I could scarf down a scarf faster than I could eat any other throat warmer, with the possible exception of your clenched hands around my neck."

"An empty ketchup bottle full of romantic quotes is just what I need to turn my cheeseburger into the perfect lover. Now you can get more romantic for an upcharge of just 69 cents."

"If what you wear says more about who you are then what you say when you speak, then my advice is to keep quiet and wear loud clothing."