I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a boo... - Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

"More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two readers (three, to be exact). So I’d like to take a moment and say thanks mom, dad, and kidnap victim I keep chained in the basement."

"All my best writing was written before 1982, and then a significant event happened to me: I was born."

"Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans."

"I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that."

"The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was flattered, I wasn’t really his type."