"In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense."
"Why take the stairs when someone else can take them for you? Love is like a flight of stairs—somebody’s going to take them, so I may as well be unselfish and take the elevator."
"My nickname isn’t Scarface—it’s Scarf Ace. I make knitted neck warmers like I make love—one grandmother at a time."
"I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover."
"I’d rather have 100% of 5 than 50% of 10—especially with love."
"As much as I want to make love to you, I’d rather make love to your clone."