If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you... - Steven Wright

"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."

"Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"