If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you... - Steven Wright

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."

"I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote"so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote."