If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you... - Steven Wright

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."

"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"

"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."

"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."