It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lo... - Steven Wright

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?"

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."