It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lo... - Steven Wright

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."

"In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."