I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went bac... - Steven Wright

"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."

"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."