I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went bac... - Steven Wright

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

"When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing."

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"