"It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary...but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch."
"I did stand-up comedy for 18 years. Ten of those years were spent learning, four years were spent refining, and four years were spent in wild success. I was seeking comic originality, and fame fell on me as a byproduct. The course was more plodding than heroic."
"You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither."
"Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol."
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks."
"Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way."