More quotes by Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42."
"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."
"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."
"If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave."
"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."