"Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight."
"Love lets us ride on its back as if it were a camel. But you’ve got to water it, or it won’t grow into a healthy rose bush."
"On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars."
"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."
"I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink."
"There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house."