"No matter how much water a sink takes on, it never lives up to its name. The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink."
"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."
"I wish success could be ordered like delivery pizza, because I’d order take out."
"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."
"I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet."
"There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house."