"Love is like 9.75 plus .25. That’s 10, for all of you people trying to add fractions on your fingers. I can only count using eight, because I’m too busy using my middle fingers to tell the politicians how much I love them."
"It takes guts to love with gusto. Most people love as if they wish they were invisible, and then they wonder why their affections go unnoticed."
"If I could make tea out of your love, would it be hot, or iced? Would it be black, or green? Would it be sweet, or unsweet? Would you offer free refills?"
"Professional wrestling is a lot like cuddling, I thought as I hugged a tree. As far as lumberjacks go, I’m slow, but when the tree finally falls for me, it falls hard."
"My advice to aspiring writers is to read more, write more, and network more. More, more, and more. Then, after you've done all that, do it some more."
"As the ice melted, we fell in love—slowly. I just wish the ice were in two glasses of vodka, and not surrounding our bodies."