"Love is like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. But there’s no need to be frightened, because that plane is still on the ground."
"I know a thing or two about love. Well, maybe just a thing. A big, blurry thing, like Bigfoot."
"I love you because I love you, and if you don’t like it you can use my circular logic as a noose and hang yourself."
"With a palindrome of a name, like Bob, I’d be both right thinking and dyslexic. Would you love me more as a Bob, or as a Bob?"
"Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?"
"In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense."