"Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory."
"33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins."
"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."
"Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight."
"We rode the merry-go-round like a couple of lovers. We weren’t though; we were just two horse enthusiasts from two different worlds (I think she was from Mars)."
"Not only did I lie about lying, but I lied about lying about lying. And you’d better believe that’s the truth."