"Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory."
"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."
"We rode the merry-go-round like a couple of lovers. We weren’t though; we were just two horse enthusiasts from two different worlds (I think she was from Mars)."
"I peed on the floor to get hired. Now I’m the janitor."
"No matter how much water a sink takes on, it never lives up to its name. The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink."
"On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars."