May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your ho... - George Carlin

"In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."

"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."

"Meow” means “woof” in cat."

"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."