"My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less—as if!"
"I am the broth of love. Make soup to me."
"Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?"
"Love is like a portable lamp/sex toy. The world calls those flashlights, but I’m much more romantic."
"Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights."
"In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense."