"My coffee gets increasingly better the more I drink and the closer I come to the bottom of the cup, where all the sugar is. I wonder if life is the same way as we approach the end."
"I have all the things I need to succeed in life, including a bucket of unicorn urine."
"I can read lips. Especially if they have words tattooed on them."
"With six pieces of wood, I’m building a life, and my coffin."
"Pluto will always be a planet in my book. That’s because my book was published before Pluto was blacklisted by planetary scientists."
"Love is like a forest, I think as I kill trees by squandering toilet paper while “decorating” my ex girlfriend’s front yard."