#Drink

"I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?"

"If I could convert books to wine, I’d start with The Grapes of Wrath. I’ve never read it, but maybe tonight I’ll be thirsty enough."

"I didn’t give her my full attention. The bottle was half full when she started drinking. Still, from it she grew distracted, so my farming technique worked."

"Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering a refill at any price."

"Snow is not microwave friendly. In fact, snow is not too friendly at all, unless you first buy it a few beers. Then it’s just downright slutty."

"I'm going to sell Flash Bang Wow Fuzz (not a drill) in a bottle, but I’m not sure how to market it. Maybe as a drinkable alternative to love."

"Coffee can’t melt in the summer heat, and that’s what I like about liquid soap. Wake and Clean is my new product that combines both into one exciting new drink."

"She likes her wine white, and that’s how I like my clam chowder. So chuggable!"

"Love is something to be treated with awe. Or should it be aww? People don’t know my capacity for love. If you tried to bottle it up, I’m sure it would take at least three thermoses to contain it. And if it did get contained, would you drink my love black, or would you add cream and sugar?"

"I coiled my empty straw wrapper around like a snake. Then I bit it before it could bite me. My love is as dangerous as my drinking habits."

"Let me just pause a minute and drink in this moment. And if you film it, I’ll be able to get free refills for life."

"I drank her essence, and it’s like she never existed and now I’m thirsty again. Let this be a lesson in love."

"Love burns. Whiskey burns. George Burns. What do all three have in common? They’re all dead to me."

"My cup is full of air. I should empty it and fill it with love. Or coffee, as the two are synonymous to me."

"A can’t in a can—it’s carbonated failure that’s ready to drink. It tastes like the back half of love."

"Instead of a Lemonade Stand, I should open up a “You know what I can’t stand?” Stand. I’ll sell rants in small, medium, and large."

"I used the boos, and not the booze, as motivation. That led to applause, which I drank up like an alcoholic. I need a refill."

"Taking a break. Been working solid for the last few hours, as opposed to working liquid, which is more drinkable. Can I pour you a glass of productivity?"

"I'm sober. Yessiree, I quit drinking. I haven't had a beer in four hours. Now I just need some coffee and to get drunk on love poetry."

"Vodka in the shape of a human body would be an excellent dancing partner. I'm a bring my own chaser kind of lover."