"My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly."
"To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive."
"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."
"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."
"In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated."
"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."