"My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly."
"I hate when I'm at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, "Paper or plastic?"It's offensive. As if I'm going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick up line."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."
"If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I'd respond in a raspy voice, "Your brother ran over my brother."
"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."