"My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly."
"I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial."
"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."
"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."
"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."
"I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q."