"My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly."
"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."
"This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep."
"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."
"I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I'd throw it off a cliff."
"I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was."