"I hate when I'm at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, "Paper or plastic?"It's offensive. As if I'm going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick up line."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."
"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."
"I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial."
"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."
"My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun."