"I hate when I'm at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, "Paper or plastic?"It's offensive. As if I'm going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick up line."
"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."
"I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q."
"I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy."
"If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave."
"I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops."