More quotes by Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."
"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."
"Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I'm also going to memorize his first name."
"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."
"I will never buy a fish tank, because I don't believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines."