Patience is so valuable I'm willing to wait forever to achie... - Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I swerved at the last second, and even though it wasn’t a deer, I still managed to nail that son of a bitch."

"I just invented a hug machine. It’s solar powered so you can use it when you feel depressed, like on a cloudy day. Shit."

"I like watching people stretch in the park. It's my new favorite pastime since I bought a portable rack."

"Our love went from fly to flower to butterfly, and it was meant to beautifully flutter, not sit still on a shelf like a trophy to be collected."

"There's someone for everyone. And when my clones get here, everyone will be able to have that someone. Prices start at $99."