She had two lips like strawberries, and the seeds gave her k... - Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

"Back when I was a competitive swimmer, I used to dream of going to the Olympics. But then I changed my mind, once I found out how expensive the tickets are."

"Pluto will always be a planet in my book. That’s because my book was published before Pluto was blacklisted by planetary scientists."

"I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit."

"I have all the things I need to succeed in life, including a bucket of unicorn urine."

"Books allow you to take flight, unlike the chicken wings I stapled to my back before eating them."