"She was washing all the dishes by hand, so I bought her a machine. I bought her a lawnmower. That’s what you do when you’re in love."
"Love has a certain weightlessness to it, much as my meaty penis would on the moon."
"Life, it’s made up of two things—time and love. A watch tells one, but what tells the other? We tell each other."
"I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover."
"In a bookstore you can find me in the romance section, because I’m not a lover, I’m a reader."
"The waves were choppy, like Chuck Norris' karate hands. The ocean would have been still, if I weren't making love in it."