"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."
"I prefer long-distance relationships. If we were dating, would you be offended if I asked you to stand back a few feet?"
"I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink."
"Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight."
"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."
"We rode the merry-go-round like a couple of lovers. We weren’t though; we were just two horse enthusiasts from two different worlds (I think she was from Mars)."