"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."
"There is until there isn’t. That’s just the way it is. Until it isn’t."
"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."
"Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory."
"Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight."
"33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins."