The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smo... - Jarod Kintz, There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't

"I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, "Family Size,"and I thought, That's odd, I didn't know too many families showered together."

"I don't want to work a 9-5 job, because 20 hours a day is just too much."

"Sometimes I wish Jim Morrison were still alive, because I'd love to see a concert in which "The Doors"opened up for "The Cars."

"My parents always said that knowledge was the best gift they could give me, probably because they were too cheap to buy me Christmas or Birthday presents."

"The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasn’t hungry, I just wanted to call some plays."