"The race is long, and I am sprinting. If I ever see her again, I’ll probably be too out of breath to tell her I love her."
"Escalators are the offspring of elevators and stairs. Love is the progeny of passion and admiration."
"It doesn’t take a hurricane to blow out a birthday candle. Let this be a lesson in love—and cake etiquette."
"Pain produces progress. So if you truly love me, you will try to hurt me as much as you can. If you really want me to grow as a person, you will water me with betrayal, abuse, neglect, derision, thievery, and possibly even torture."
"My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less—as if!"
"I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover."