"I believe in true love. But my opinion is tainted, because I also believe in Bigfoot, aliens, and in the existence of honest politicians."
"Let love find you. Don’t go looking for it. The best way to attract a mate is to post an ad on Craigslist titled, “Have lube, will travel."
"A crate full of discreet would appear to be empty. But it’s not. It’s full of my love for you."
"Your love story, I don’t want to give away the ending, but both you and your lover die."
"Escalators are the offspring of elevators and stairs. Love is the progeny of passion and admiration."
"My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less—as if!"