More quotes by Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"I hate when I'm at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, "Paper or plastic?"It's offensive. As if I'm going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick up line."
"I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep."
"I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42."
"If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time."
"I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her."