"Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know."