"What’s the opposite of start? Would the average person think stop or finish? The answer may reflect the difference between a winner and a loser."
"I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?"
"One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date."
"I want to write a song about retaliation called, "Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm...While You Were Out of Town."
"I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that."
"Hydrogenated and androgynous milky white love is all I have to offer you. Would you like me to pour it in your coffee, or directly into your soul?"