"I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that."
"Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans."
"I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that."
"What’s the opposite of start? Would the average person think stop or finish? The answer may reflect the difference between a winner and a loser."
"The bad news is the butcher’s dead. The good news is there’ll be no need for a funeral, and I’ve got enough meat to last for weeks."
"I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car."