When she tried to seduce me, I got suspicious, thinking she... - Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Knocking on a door is so violent. Instead, try talking to the door to get it to open up to you. I should write a self-help book for door-to-door salesmen."

"I drank so much booze I was bamboozled. Alcohol makes my mind as discombobulated as love makes my heart. I’d sure appreciate it if you poured me a large glass of romance."

"I was so depressed I thought about committing TV. I mean suicide. In the end I decided to binge on @Netflix and it really made me feel better."

"I make love like I make coffins—with my bare hands, alone in my garage. On sale through Thursday—Buy One Funeral, Get A Second One Free!"

"When you’re embarrassed, you turn red. When I blush, I turn plaid. I network at kilt conventions, so even if I say something awkward I still look cool."