"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."
"This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep."
"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."
"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."
"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."