"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."
"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."
"In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated."
"I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob."
"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."
"I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I'd throw it off a cliff."