I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And ap... - George Carlin

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."

"I think I am, therefore, I am... I think."

"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."

"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."

"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."