I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And ap... - George Carlin

"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."

"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"

"I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?"

"In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."